Devastating, overwhelming grief… my brain blasted so fiercely that it stops functioning. I cannot think, remember, focus, concentrate. My self-confidence drops away, and I am suddenly a young child again, needy and unsure, desperately wanting my mother. I do the dumbest things, like getting lost driving home, a route I have driven a thousand times. I can’t find my toothpaste, along with a million other things, and I burst into tears because this confirms my fear that I am unfit to take care of myself, that I will drown in my misery.
My mother was within a few days of her death when she called to tell me she had stopped all fluids and food, made a decision to end her life, now one of pain and disability with no chance of recovery. I was on the other side of the continent and couldn’t leave immediately. We agreed I should stay six more days in Los Angeles, a decision based on a commitment to my future – I needed to become financially independent, “successful.” It was the right decision, but so difficult.
I made it home just in time for one last moment with her. She was almost beyond communication, her eyes unseeing, but she was hanging on, it seemed, to see me one last time. I leaned over her bed, gathered her close and held her hand as I kissed her forehead and wept. I told her how much I loved her, how special and wonderful she was. I felt her squeeze my hand, heard her speak my name, and then in a stupefying display of tenacity and love, she raised her other arm, put her hand on my back and patted me. Using the very last of her strength, in these last few moments of her life, she was trying to comfort me. In that moment I forgave her for the past more deeply and completely than ever before.
My mother passed away thirty-six hours later, and I was left stunned. How do I go on? I have lost a part of myself that was so intrinsic that I couldn’t see how big it was. Now there is a gaping hole, and sometimes that hole is all I see.
Worst of all is the guilt and regret. I didn’t appreciate my mother, didn’t see her clearly. I was focused on her faults, and on protecting myself. I missed gifts she had for me, and now it feels like it is too late. My task now will be to forgive myself.
Structure is helpful. The routines of my life, my home, dog, work, and family, are reassuring with their familiarity, and because I love them and they bring purpose and meaning to my life. I will also keep using the natural health methods of whole body vibration (WBV) and homeopathy that have saved my life so many times before. Most of my life I have struggled with numerous severe and limiting physical issues as well as crippling self-esteem and insecurity issues. I have made great progress, but one never really finishes this process, you can always keep growing.
I stand on my whole body vibration machine every day. WBV is most famous for its effects on muscles, bones and joints – ten minutes exercising on a powerful vibration plate gives you the benefits of an hour of conventional weight lifting. But right now, I don’t need exercise, it is all I can do to stand or sit on the plate for a few minutes – but that is enough to give me other benefits of which I am in great need.
WBV improves mood, sleep, focus, motivation, concentration, and energy levels. How does it do this? It is a huge neurological stimulation – when you are on a vibrating plate every neuron in your body automatically fires at the same rate the machine is vibrating, 20-50 times per second. Your brain instantly lights up with activity, and this leads to the release of several neurotransmitters, molecules in your brain that are essential to its proper function.
Serotonin, a major anti-depressant molecule in our brains, increases. This is the same neurotransmitter that western medicine antidepressant drugs target. High levels of serotonin are associated with a calm and relaxed state, with focus and motivation, and with improved sleep; all of which I am in dire need of.
WBV also raises levels of norepinephrine, another neurotransmitter and hormone. Norepinephrine is part of our fight or flight response, giving us a burst of energy for emergencies. Keeping norepinephrine at healthy levels will help combat the lethargy that is dogging me.
Testosterone, a sex hormone, also rises with WBV. Best known for increasing libido and sexual performance for men, testosterone is actually important for both men and women – it brings zest and energy to our lives, as well as improving sex.
However, as grand as all these benefits are, I am most determined to continue my WBV regime because it is helping my soul grow by helping me let go of negative energy. How does it do this? Our bodies are highly organized molecular structures, in this sense all of us are liquid crystals. And all crystals have a physical property, well-known to engineers and scientists, called piezoelectricity. This is the ability to turn mechanical movement into electromagnetic energy. Thus, every time you are on a whole body vibration plate your (liquid crystal) body will instantly turn the mechanical vibration of the plate into the exact electromagnetic energy you need to unblock and balance your energy meridians and chakras.
WBV is a powerful chi energy treatment every time you use it. I have been using WBV for over fifteen years now. I have found that especially when I combine WBV with homeopathy, another powerful energy changing system, it can create a synergistic healing fire of growth and change. Difficult, painful experiences are an opportunity for growth. I will use my pain to grow.
